August has been a fairly challenging month for me, at least more than the last year and a half has been. Yes, I have it very easy - a husband who loves me and provides for us, food on the table and a roof overhead, a new pet kitteh, a permanent visa so I can live in Australia, lots of family, and effin snuggies, man. However, despite all of these bonuses, I feel pretty down in spirits. So, in the last month, I have come to realize three things:
- I am very homesick.
Not a single day goes by without me thinking about things back home. In my dreams, silhouetted spikes of pine trees cover the horizon and snow falls in peculiar months. Memories of the good times spent with family make my heart ache. It's near impossible for me to accurately recall conversations I've had with friends in the past. I desperately miss that damn dog. I feel like crying every time I think about how far away I am from home, how distanced I've made myself from my family, and how quickly friends faded away.
I could talk about this with Will. And I have, in the past. But all that achieves is a sense of guilt, one that we cannot do anything to change, especially now that we have spent so much time and money on the visa situation. Over $5,000 dollars in all, and I want to go home? I couldn't do that to him. I just need to hold on and be patient.
- I think I might be depressed.
As the above suggests, I am extremely saddened by my being so far out of place. I don't feel at home. It's like, when I stepped off of that plane, time around me stopped, but everything else kept going. I feel like I can't be honest, or myself, in public. It's practically turned me into a hermit. I'm shy, for the first time in years. I can't answer the phone or make phone calls without an overwhelming sense of anxiety. The thought of putting myself out there in the work place makes me feel like my chest has been tied in knots. The idea of driving on the left side of the road is the stuff of my nightmares - ones that usually end up with me crashing or otherwise causing havoc on traffic.
I feel like I'm trapped inside myself, and I can't get out. My anger has gotten worse. I snap at the littlest things now. I can't stand it anymore. I need to see a doctor about it. Seriously. I was so comfortable when we visited Washington together. But despite all of its beauty, Australia seems so wrong for me.
- I actually hate somebody.
I never thought that I would see the day where I actually felt this much contempt and anger towards someone. It may have to do with me being far away from family and thus unable to help out or give any support, but I've felt nothing but hatred - HATRED, for someone in particular, in the last month. And this is coming from someone who tries to see the good in everything. Yeah.
Among many, many things, Jane has managed to basically threaten to kill me. She said that if I pissed her off, that no one would be able to save me. She said that I had somehow started something, and I had no idea how fucked I was now. Jane is sick of me and my shit.
Overall, I am not bothered by what Jane has to say about me. She can call me a fat, ugly bitch as much as she wants to. It won't change anything, because those aren't the reasons I hate her.
I hate Jane because she is a manipulative person. I hate her because she uses people. She uses them and uses them and uses them until she can't use them any more, then she throws them away. She is a leech. She is pathetic. As the great Mr. T has taught us all, we should pity the fool. And I do. I pity that fool.
Am I being overly dramatic? Maybe. But I don't think so.
Regardless, these three realizations have made me see that I need a change in my life. A few changes, actually. Wow, this blog post has pretty much been a festival of complaints. Sorry!
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